The Back Seat*

If I put disclaimers up, today's would read: *This isn't a New Years Resolutions post, and I hesitated to share because this too shall pass. I wanted to get a little vulnerable today, while remembering how fortunate I am to have the options and choices I do. I share this today with the hope that it sloughs off this dull and brittle feeling so that I can truly welcome 2016.

It's the last week of 2015 and I'm sitting here with an annoying headache and mild case of ... the blues? Listlessness? All around sense of bah humbugness? It could be just an average holiday hangover (the twinkle lights! the family! the joy!) and sliding back in to a routine after only wearing pajamas and flannel for a week. OK yes, I'm still wearing flannel, but I had to ease into Monday, folks.

But I think what's really weighing on me is that I was recently shown a mirror, the figurative type, and I'm shocked at how I've been presenting myself. Or is it truly how I come across? Helpless is a feeling that comes up. Incompetent, too. Whoa. There it is. Incompetent. That's how I feel I come across and man, that sucks. 

My mind, right away and without prompting, started thinking of ways to "fix" this: take a class! Try something just outside my comfort zone! Make a call... But I'm not sure immediate action is right for me. Reacting right away, I've learned, rarely leads to positive growth. So I will keep digging until I can find the nugget of all of this and figure out a way to grow from this.  

I think, what it comes down to is that, by surrounding myself with so many rad people who are experts at so many things, I've comfortably taken a back seat. Or sometimes a seat in the way way back (you know, with pillows and snacks and a good book). And then when it's time to show up, I feel like I have zero to offer. Yuck.

In the end, I'm so grateful for the people who teach me and challenge me and love me. More than anything, I want to be the role model for people that these friends have been to me, and I can't do that from the back seat.

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